Pint-Sized Princess

A Little Lost

     

I’m not going to lie, I am a little lost. I fear that I veered off course at some point and now I am rummaging around in some dark and decrepit place. I look around and there seems to be no hope. I usually try to counteract this feeling by awareness to the blessings that surround me, but I am to the point that self-loathing and helplessness seem to be easier to come by then happiness and counted blessings.

I know this is not the right mindset, but right now, it is the only stance that makes any sense. What is the point of positivity and optimism if it always ends in pain and abandonment? Is there a reason to push forward when pushing through the tough times usually ends up in my ending two steps back from where I started?

When I look at the faces around me, I realize that I barely know these people. The faces begin to look different, even when I look in the mirror, there seems to be a stranger staring back. What have I become?

Do not mistaken my words, I am not some girl that has fallen from faith, morals, or even reality, bit I am a little more unsure of myself as the days move forward. I am wandering aimlessly in this world, uncertain if anyone will ever find me. My path may have gone too far off of the planned route. Here I am, a traveler of the overgrown path, struggling to make it through the thorns, ivy, thistle, and weeds. Here I am, feeling abandoned, alone, and displaced. Here I am, desperately calling out within the silence.

Things are not always as they seem. Smiles do not always mean that happiness is the root. We each paint a picture of who we are, but there are days that it becomes too much. That the walls we have decorated so well seem to become bare and more transparent.

Maybe this is best… Maybe when the walls are seen through other can get in, the good with the bad. It is okay to get hurt; it shows that you are human. It is okay to care, to move forward, and to look back at where you’ve come from. It is okay to fall, as long as you spring yourself back up. Everyone that has truly succeeded in life has failed before the success, for this is the reason that they were able to figure out how to make something function.

The path may be long, dark, painful, full of thorns, but that does not mean that the opening at the end is not worth the trials you are facing now. It does not mean that good cannot be found through the hardship. Just move forward. Keep moving forward and the path will open up. Just keep moving.

Moving Forward

       

When I think about everything that I’m not, I find it healthy to think about what I am. I am a friend to some, a daughter to my parents, a sister to my sister, a grand-daughter, a niece, cousin, student, co-worker, supervisor, mentor, neighbor, and a stranger to many. I have grown from a child to a young woman, but have not lost sight of the young girl inside of me.

I have found myself broken down more often than not, but I am extremely blessed. There are discoveries within my failures that make them worth the pain. When someone walks out, I have someone else walk in. I am never alone too long before I am confronted with love, support, and wisdom. My confidence rises and the fear that dwells inside of me gets pushed to the side.

I have been so fortunate to have people step into my life when people that I thought were my friends step out. I hate being lied to, but when this happens (and it always does), I find or am found by someone genuine and worth my time.

It is interesting to see how my life has shaped itself through the years. I look back and see the trials, heartache, falls, misunderstandings, fear, shattered confidence, lies, carelessness, times I have been mislead, and I wonder why I had to go through those things. But, then I think of the people I depended on and how my life changed from that point on.

Now, I do see that I have picked up some baggage along the way, but the lessons I have gained are worth more than any price tag. I will lose friends, but I always gain more and the ones I gain are worth the wait. I think of three girls that I cheered with in college. They completely went against all odds and assumptions. They prove to be more than any stereotype and I love them for that. I love that they know what to say to me when I am down and do not dance around their words when I need a dose of reality. They push me to my limits, and go along with me on that journey. I am completely grateful for the time and effort that they put into a friendship with me and thank God for them on a daily basis.

I think of friends I have left in the past and how some of these friendships are being mended, if not growing in great ways. Some of the relationships I have walked away from in the past, are the ones I am taking steps toward now and thanking God for my second chances.

It is funny how things work out and how life gives you just what you need when you need it. Life is not always about taking chances, but looking at the mistakes you have made and taking strides forward, or two steps back. It is about looking at what you have come from and realizing what it takes to move forward. It is knowing who you are and accepting just that. It is about support, hope, dignity, values, love, faith, and living out your dreams. It is about not allowing yourself to make the same mistake again and holding onto something that you made the mistake of letting go of before.

Here I am, accepting life for what it is. I am happy my life seems to finally be moving forward and believe that I have a new sense of who I am and where I am going. Finally.

I Spilt My Coffee

 

Ever since I can remember, I have had a plan for my life. But, then it happens, you get slammed in the face by life and everything you had planned changes. The blueprint you seemed to have created gets coffee spilt all over it and you are left with a sense of helplessness.

There are times when you think you know what is best for your life, but, is it possible you really have no idea? Is it possible that the second chances that life offers are God’s way of saying, “Here. Don’t screw it up this time.” I thought I had everything in order. I thought I was going to do A, B, and C, to get to point E, but turns out, life doesn’t work that way.

The other day, I was reading for class and I had my coffee placed strategically to the right of my book. I had my orange highlighter above my book, the yellow one in my hand, and my assortment of pen colors to the left. I had everything planned out. I was ready to absorb what I was reading, but then I realized that my yellow highlighter was pretty much dead. I needed another one, because I had a plan on how I was going to mark my book, and it all came down to that highlighter. As I got up to get another, my knee hit the table, knocking my coffee over. Instead of me absorbing the knowledge contained in my book, the pages were absorbing the liquid caffeine that had been in my owl mug. I rushed to get the paper towels, but it was too late, my plan of a relaxing reading session had been disrupted by a dead highlighter, a coffee-laced textbook and an empty mug. Oh, how quickly my plan seemed to fall apart. I later realized that I had been so focused on the plan, that I had sat down to read the wrong book.

It is amazing how easily things can fall into place after trying so hard to make everything work out. The point where you give up on trying is when God seems to place everything on a platter for you. Whether it is the perfect guy, the ideal job, the right place at the optimal time, it seems that it is just a reminder of how God really has your back and wants more than anything to show us that blessings are not difficult to come by if we just take the time to look around.

There are days when I hate to even look in the mirror, not only because I am unhappy with what is looking back at me, but because I dislike everything that the girl staring back at me stands for. I hate that my plans seem to have fallen through. I hate that she seems to be stuck in place. But, there are days, like today, that I look in the mirror and thank God for the small things in life. He makes it so apparent that he has given me people that care about me. He has placed people in my life that are willing to support me in the good times and the bad. He has given me opportunities of reconnecting with people that have played a larger part in my life than I have given them credit for.

Life is not about the plan that we have set out in front of us, it is about the journey, the tough times, and pushing forward. When we are ready, things will work out in ways that we never imagined. When we stop looking for happiness, that is when we usually become the most blessed. Frankly, I have the best friends in the world. I have a great, supportive family, and I have more opportunities than I deserve. There will be days that I will not want to get out of bed because of my circumstances, but there will also be nights that I won’t be able to sleep because I am too excited for the coming day.

Life is crazy like that. As much as the brokenness we go through shapes us, the good things that we experience play a part in making us who we are, as well. We can not lose sight of our dreams, but we need to be open to there being different routs to reach them. Our plans are just mere paths created by amateurs. We need to be open to taking the paths created by God - the expert of our futures. In God’s timing all things will fall into place.

Carrie Bradshaw & Boys as BFFs

                                 

“After a while you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh.” Thank you for your wise words Sex and the City, especially Carrie Bradshaw.

There comes a point in life when you realize that the studs from high school seem to still be in high school. The guys you always thought were the coolest become losers, still trying to find the shortcut, like they did with their homework.

I remember sitting at my high school lunch table. I either sat with a couple football players or with my artsy-outcast friends, because, well, I was just that - an outcast. I was an art-nerd by day, cheerleader by night. I could have been the popular cheerleader type if I really wanted to be, but I never had the desire. I never really wanted to fit in. I never really wanted to be the kind of girl that went to parties, trying to “get with” the guy that all my friends had their turns with. I wasn’t the kind of girl that wanted to have the “hot girl” reputation. I wanted to be different.

I find it so interesting to see that the popular clique seems to still be together. Still dating each other, still acting like they are in high school. I am happy I got out when I did. I am happy that I can say that I have experienced a life much different than what they have come prey to. It isn’t their fault. I am not judging, by any means. They made their decisions to stick to the lifestyle that came so easily to them. Honestly, why would they have chosen anything different? They never had a chance and now they’re stuck.

When I think back to high school, there were some awesome guys. There were the guys that were cute and fun to flirt with. There were the guys that were smart and made great friends. There were the guys that I had things in common with; they made me laugh, and became my best friends.

I blame those guys for where I am now. I blame the guys that became my best friends. I blame the guys that gave other guys a good reputation. Yes. I believed that all men had good intentions.Well, that backfired. Here I am, waiting for the perfect man, when maybe there is no such thing.

I have always had close guy friends. They make me laugh. They are there for me in the bad times and in the good. They can see through my fake smiles, lies, and tearful reactions during sitcoms. When something breaks, they fix it (or try to). They accept my quirks, share inside jokes, and know my faults. They know my goals for the future, listen to my struggles on a daily basis, and care about me, despite my past.

As much as I feel fortunate for my bffs of the past and my current best-guy friends, I cannot help by blame them for my loveless life. They give me unrealistic expectations for what a guy should be like. Maybe that is best. They are the reason I haven’t settled thus far and I should be thankful for them because of this. I guess I will wait on the butterflies and for the guy that can make me laugh, even if it is at myself.

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” Thank you again, Carrie Bradshaw and the men that have made an appearance within my friend circles.

It’s the Small Things

                            

Valentine’s Day was always my favorite holiday. When stores start packing their shelves with boxes of valentines, I am overcome with a sense of happiness.

Love is something that needs to be celebrated, but I would be lying if I said I am looking forward to another lonely Valentine’s day. My friends go out with their boyfriends and crushes, they bring home flowers, boxes of chocolate, and stuffed animals. They come to me, cuddled up to a blanket, watching Ever After… my Valentine’s Day tradition that I am hoping to break someday.

When I think back to my happiest Valentine’s Days, I think of the folded cards from my crushes, strategically placed in my classroom-made mailbox. I think back to the little parties we would have. I think back to knowing that my crush liked me back if I would find a Lifesaver Swirled Lollipop in my wonderful, drowning-in-hearts, mailbox. Those were my favorite.

Well, on a mission to make this year different than the last few, I have been searching for these lollipops. I may sound like a pathetic fatty, but these lollipops seem to bring hope back in my life; they seem to show me that it is all in the little things. That through something as small as a lollipop, there is joy, there are happy memories and, more importantly, they show me that there is a reason to keep hope alive. However, they do not seem to have them in any stores. Finding this calorie-infested treat may be a hopeless cause for me.

Right now, my Hello Kitty Snuggie and Ever After are looking like the easy way out. Maybe bringing hope back into my life is not as easy as I had wanted it to be.

Never Give Up

   

It is difficult to be told something that you do not want to hear. It is trying when you believe that there is a chance of success at something, but are told to give up. There are so many days when I believe that giving up is the best option, but when you can’t fight the grasp you have on a belief, you have to decide if you are in denial or if there is something deeper, a reason why you have a sense of trusting your own feelings.

There is a chance that I am stupid and naive, but I cannot fight the determination I have in certain circumstances. There are times when I wish I had people backing me in my choices or pushing forward instead of telling me that I should move on to something new. There is a reason I have not given up thus far. I may not be able to explain why and God knows I have tried. I may not be able to even write an accurate description, but I am looking for peace within my distress, so thank you Winston Churchill for your strong words of encouragement that are much needed in my life.

“Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up. Never give up. Never give up. Never give up.” -Winston Churchill

Text Me

    

In this day and age, it is as if phone conversations do not exist unless they include fingers typing it out. In this world, we have become so adapted to instant gratification that we expect to get answers within seconds of asking for them.

I am no exception. I keep a prayer journal and sometimes when I write out my prayers, I half expect to get a message or unforeseen phone call from God answering the questions I have. But, I am well aware that this is not the way it works.

Why have we all become so stuck in technology that we forget to search out our own answers. It is difficult for me to imagine a time before cell phones, but there was a time that no one in my family owned one. I do recall my bus driver holding, what looked like a brick, up to his ear. I thought it was so cool as he pulled the antenna out and began to speak. “Wow,” I thought, “what a cool phone.” Shortly after that, I remember my dad getting a similar one.

There are days that I wish we did not have cell phones, that texting did not exist, but there are days that I thank God for the easy access to my confidants, my family, and friends. I definitely take advantage of the easy access of instant gratification. I love being able to text my sister, call my parents, send funny pictures to my friends.

We should take time out of our days to take a step back and really think about how we are using our technology, see if we are being overly “connected.” At this point, I refuse to get a data plan. I use my phone enough… I do not need to be online 24/7. What about you? Are you addicted to instant gratification? Are you obsessed with checking to see what your friends are doing? Are you afraid of being left out of the drama happening this minute? Do you have a question and need it answered right now?  Welcome to 2012… may we figure out what is really important and become more apt at finding our own solutions.

Praise God that he pushes us to be curious and to wait on him for his perfect and just timing.

Dear You

    

Dear person that needs to read this,

     Life is tough. There are bad things that will happen to you and you will not understand why, but keep pushing forward. Sometimes it will feel like a mountain has dropped in your path, but the climb will give you confidence. There will be paths that will look like shortcuts, but do not be fooled by their allure, they will lead you to a destination that is far less than what you deserve. People will disappoint you, but know that they are only human. They make mistakes and even if they do not deserve to be forgiven, you deserve to not live with the grudge. Forgive, for you will mess up too. When you do something that hurts another person, you need to ask for forgiveness, admit the wrongdoing, and forgive yourself. You will face difficulties often, but there are blessings in your life. There are more people that care about you than you are even aware. You are impacting lives on a daily basis. Remember to smile. Remember to care. Remember to love. Do not be afraid of tomorrow, for you made it through today and that is an accomplishment of its own. Life may be difficult, but you are strong. Do not lose sight of that.

<3 Someone that cares